I have had the pleasure of introspection this week. Sounds like a simple thing, but it's not. At the end of the day I literally have nothing left to give, every single day. I forget to even think thoughts that are not related to what actions I need to perform next.
I was reminded this week how essential it is to stop and think. Isn't that what makes us different from animals, our ability to have complex thoughts? Otherwise we are simply surviving, enduring. Not enjoying. Not growing.
This is an attempt to force myself to think. A random and incomplete list follows of things that have given me pause in the last few days. This is for me. It's my blog.
- I still love music. Doesn't sound too crazy, but when you're inundated with children's music and just the general chatter that comes from kids, you forget. Thank you Elton John Pandora station for being so wonderful. And The Lumineers, I actually went and bought a real live cd this week because I think you're so perfect.
- My son had an incident at school this week involving violence and a little girl. I felt it was necessary to tell him that there are some men in the world that abuse women just because they can. His face. Oh god, his face. It was like he literally could not imagine that men would do this. I had to remind him that a few hours earlier he himself had done a similar thing. He was crushed. I had to fight tears as I said "I do not want you to become the kind of man who would do this to a woman." He, equally fighting tears and shock, "I would never." My faith in his humanity was at least partially restored. I know he'll at least pick on a boy next time. Ugh, this mess.
- It's September 11th, and I forgot. I forgot. Although I can recall every detail about where I was when I heard and what I did the rest of the day. I can't believe we're to the point where we can forget and simultaneously intricately remember.
- A great friend had a birthday and as a gift to me reminded me that I'm still a person. I gave her a jar of my pumpkin puree. Not at all equal, but I hope it gives her some of the pleasure that she has given to me.
- My two year old walked into her pre-school class this morning without crying and said to me "You go home, mama." YES! Yes, I will go home. Way to go, baby girl.
- We got through another week of homework for miss fussy pants hates homework. Only a few tears were shed by both of us. I will call that ok.
- The behavioral therapist told me to cut myself some slack. I call that a directive. It came from a professional that is getting paid to tell me how to better my life, so that's good enough for me. My house is very messy. I'm trying not to care.
- I ran this week and my body is completely revolting today. Ok body, we'll not do that again for awhile. I get it. We're old. We're out of shape. We'll take a slow walk next time.
- It's freaking cold today and so begins the decline into my seasonal affective disorder. But there is pleasure in unpacking the five shopping bags of winter clothes that my mom bought for my kiddos a few weeks ago. Even though it is a fat pain in my ass to complete this chore for three kids. So many clothes. And they're not even mine.
- I remembered that we bought tickets to the Kidz Bop concert. On facebook today I saw pictures of dads at the One Direction concert looking pissed and/or bored. But they paid good money to be there, for whatever the reason. I hope no one is taking pictures at the Kidz Bop concert this weekend. We'll be the ones wishing we had brought flasks. Along with every other parent there, so you may not be able to pick us out. BUT! I am a little excited to get to show my kids how awesome a live concert is. I can't even remember the last time we've gone.
- Family picnic for my daughter's preschool tomorrow. I am an introvert. I am slightly agoraphobic. On premise, I hate these things. But I told my husband that we will go and I'll be making an apple pie. Because sometimes we have to force ourselves to do things that we hate. The socializing I mean, not the pie. Pie is wonderful. Pie will get me through this.
- There is a car at my big kids' school that has a funny license plate that says something like "Rat Girl." We laugh every morning when we see it, and I am beyond curious to know who it belongs to. This morning, my six year old says "Mom, I told Dad about Rat Girl last night." I'm sure he was totally confused but it made my day.
That's all I can think of right now. I'm sure this is a rambling mess of nonsense so I'm not even going to reread it. There are so many more moments, I know. It's hard to train yourself to see them, but I'm trying.