American Ninja Mommy

I have become a little addicted to the show American Ninja Warrior. I'm sure you've seen it as it's on tv every other show on several different stations. It's kind of hard to miss at this point.

I am not a person who is "in shape." I can run a mile, sure, but that's only because I am constantly running after my children. I am thin, yes, but that's only because I haven't sat down for a full three meals a day in many a year.

There is no way I could ever dedicate the time and energy required to become a contestant on American Ninja Warrior. Many of these people were athletes in college. Many work in gyms. Sure, you have your everyman Joe on sometimes but it's likely that he works in construction or owns his own ranch.

I got to thinking... what would be my show? What would I be good enough at that I could win? What have I been training for for the last decade?

It hit me when I was at my kids' school with my 2 year old. We'd been hanging out in the teacher's lounge, counting PTA fundraiser money for awhile. The school secretary walked in and immediately said "I smell diaper."

Um, really? Because I've been sitting next to her for the last hour and I don't smell anything. And it's my own kid.

But sure enough, after a quick check I ascertained that the school secretary has a hidden talent. She is a diaper ninja. It doesn't even have to be her own kid, she can smell a dirty diaper the exact second she enters a room. Diaper ninja, indeed.

And so, American Ninja Mommy was born in my poor, underutilized, too little social interaction, stay at home mom brain. Producers, feel free to contact me at will. My schedule is pretty free.

Requirements are that you must not hold membership to any gym, in order to eliminate an unfair advantage. Although truly, for these tasks, I'm not sure how much a gym membership would help.

Obstacles include:

  • Feeding a wiggling, crying child that absolutely DOES NOT like whatever you are feeding him.
    • Bonus points for keeping floor clean.
    • Double bonus points for keeping yourself clean.
    • Triple bonus points if the food is actually healthy.
  • Dressing a child post bath in tight pajamas (fire safety, my ass) when they are still a little bit wet.
    • Bonus points if they've just been lotioned.
    • Points deducted if they are footy pajamas with a zipper. (Too easy.)
  • Getting multiple children to the car/bus for school on time with all backpacks, lunch boxes, homework assignments, permission slips, Friday folders (signed, of course), library books etc.
    • Bonus points for multiple schools/stops/buses.
    • Double bonus points if it's your child's snack day and/or birthday and you've remembered the treats.
  • Coordinating outfits for the entire family for that precious family photo shoot, without spending any money.
    • Points deducted if outfits are blue jeans with a white shirt.
    • Bonus points if everyone actually likes the outfit.
    • Triple bonus points if no one stains the clothes before the picture.
    • Quadruple bonus points if you actually remember to purchase the pictures and display them.
  • Packing for a car trip for the entire family.
    • Bonus points if you don't forget anything.
    • Double bonus points if you don't forget anyone.
  • Taking multiple children anywhere, by yourself.
    • This is just worth double bonus points on its own. Bless you, brave mama.
  • Cooking a healthy, from scratch meal.
    • Bonus points if you have a baby in your arms.
    • Double bonus points if everyone actually eats it.
    • Triple bonus points if you actually get to eat it yourself.
  • Doing laundry all in one day.
    • Bonus points if it all gets put away.
    • Double bonus points if it all gets put away in the right closets/dressers.
    • Triple bonus points for sock matching ability.
  • Grocery shopping without a list, with a toddler.
    • Bonus points if you get everything you needed.
    • Double bonus points if you spend less than you expected.
    • Points deducted for unpaid items your toddler sneaks out of the store.
  • Finding a lost child in the mall.
    • Bonus points if it's not yours.
    • Double bonus points for finding a child's lost toy.
  • Cleaning the entire house.
    • Bonus points if the kids are actually home when you're doing it.
    • Triple bonus points for bathrooms and windows.
  • Taking the kids to the dentist/hairdresser/doctor. Your choice.
    • Bonus points if the objective is achieved.
    • Double bonus points if the child doesn't verbally abuse the professional and/or you.
  • Doing homework with the children.
    • Bonus points if they don't cry.
    • Double bonus points if you don't cry.
  • Cutting the kids' nails.
    • Bonus points if no one bleeds.
  • Eagle Ears: hear a crying child from the distance of an entire house sans monitor, at midnight.
    • Bonus points if you recognize that it's not a cry of distress and ignore it.
    • Double bonus points if you can go immediately back to sleep.
    • Triple bonus points if your husband takes care of it. You picked a good one, mama.
  • Figuring out what a child is talking about with only "Remember that time that we, uh... we, uh..."
    • Bonus points if it's a gift that they want and you can actually find it.
  • Completing (ahem, helping to complete) a school project the night before it's due.
    • Bonus points if food is involved.
    • Points deducted for usage of Pinterest.

Honorable mentions go to:

  • Mommy with the most creative lie that the children believe (see Elf on the Shelf)
  • Most creative sleeping position, either in your own bed with additions of children, or elsewhere you've had to lie to coerce your child to go to sleep
  • Quickest shower
  • Handling phone calls while the children scramble at your feet (But I'm HUUUUUNGRY!)
  • Remembering to feed the pets (poor mistreated animals, you)
  • Having energy at the end of the day to do something for yourself, or with your husband because, let's be honest, there's not time for both.

There you have it folks. A game show for the everywoman. Mommies everywhere, we've got this. We've been training for it for years. Let's show the world what we can do, ladies!

For the winner, free, quality babysitting for a year! That's got to equal the ANW prize of $500,000 anyway.

But let's be real. This would be way boring to watch. We do this all the time anyway. And we'd never find out about the tryouts.

But I, for one, could kick this competition's ass. Hands down.