Last week I wrote this post and, while it was easy for me to write, it has been hard for me to know how to move forward on the blog. I realized, maybe a bit belatedly, that I shared something intensely personal and that you may look at me in a different way because of it.
I have felt like I need to reassure you that I am ok, that my husband and I are ok. And we are. Really. The last two weeks have been some of the better ones in our marriage, and we both feel like we are at a turning point, one where, years from now, we will look back and say, "Yes! Thank god we did that."
But now, moving forward here? I don't know what to say. This is what I am living all the time right now, trying to repair my relationship with my husband. And it's very private and sensitive and not really blog worthy, because it's ours, not mine, and it's not all mine to share. Plus, it's a little voyeuristic to give you all that glimpse into our private life, and it makes me uncomfortable.
Suffice it to say that no one needs to worry and that I am extremely happy with the way that things are turning out. I'm hopeful that we will continue to come to a better spot. I am very glad that this happened.
But I feel AWKWARD. Awkward with him, awkward with myself, awkward with the blog, awkward around people who I know have read that post. I don't know what to say. I feel like I exposed myself and now I have to go around seeing people who are aware of it. It's a little intense.
I also feel like once you say something big and ugly and personal, it's a little like drilling a hole in a flood gate. Once the crack is there, it's hard to stop more from coming out. I have always had a very thin filter to what I say and do, but it's becoming even more transparent. Social graces dictate that I don't say absolutely everything that I think, but I'm having a harder time doing that. Obviously I can't tell a co-worker that I think he's being a douchebag, but I've definitely had to bite my tongue a bit harder in the last two weeks.
After some thought, I don't know that this is necessarily a bad thing. I'm certain that we all have relationships that could use some refreshing, that could use someone saying, "Hey, I feel like we've gotten a bit off track here and I really think it could be better if we were just more open instead of pretending like nothing's going on here."
But that is UNCOMFORTABLE. For all parties, really. Sometimes you say it to someone and they give you a blank stare. Sometimes they get mad. Sometimes they are very hurt. It's hard. You try to anticipate the reaction and, often, in my case, I feel like it's more trouble than it's worth. I don't want to mess it up, so it's easier to say nothing.
Cue years of me saying nothing to my husband and then having a little bit of a meltdown. We'll recover, but we're freaking married. It's going to take a lot of effort to break this train down. Add in that we are both people who are open to change and growth, and it's been working for us.
I don't know how others would respond to me being as open, but I know that I am a lot more tempted to have this same conversation in its unique setting with many other people. And I don't know that it's wrong to do that, it's just not something I've really done before.
So, moving forward, I'm in a kind of uncomfortable, squirmy, stomach butterflies sort of state. Because it's unknown. I'm unknown to myself right now, really.
What I can tell you is that I absolutely chose the right husband. I thought I had, and he's put up with some crazy shit from me over the years, but he's really rolled through it with me. Even though we were getting pretty far off track from each other, he knew it too and didn't want to rock the boat either. We're very aware of where we are right now and what needs to happen next. And we're doing those things.
Basically, blog readers, I feel like you and I were at Mardi Gras together and I got drunk and flashed you and you smiled at me, but now it's the next morning and no one can pretend that they didn't see my boobs. And I'm really not even sorry that you saw them, because that's who I am, but I'm not sure if you were ok with seeing them and now it's kinda awkward. You know, just like that.
I'm not a flasher, but I am an oversharer. I will continue to overshare. I just feel like it's drifting more and more into my everyday life and I need to figure out how to work with that. I'm transitioning, and that's ok, but I feel a little new and uncomfortable about it.
I promise I won't really flash you, though. I don't do that. Hardly ever, anyway, unless there are shots.
Just don't buy me shots, and we'll all be safe.